Sunday, 15 March 2009

The best thing that happened today was getting home from spending 48 hours solid running a Brownie Guide pack holiday, and finally having time and space to myself. I had a bath, listened to music, made some food, had some wine and worried that when I have children of my own this "luxury" of time to myself, to spend as I wish, will be a lot harder to come by.

I say "when" I have children... it's something I have been thinking about for a while, but the issue seems to have been brought into focus over the past two days. Aside from the many hours I spent looking after 25+ girls, in various stages of over-excitability, tearfulness, happiness, moodiness (one leader joked the experience was 'a great contraceptive' and I misheard and thought she was talking about the muffin she was eating...) I also seemed to have countless conversations about one day having children of my own,including conversation with one Brownie who asked if I wanted kids (yes), and if I had a boyfriend (no), and if I wanted a boyfriend (not really), so how was I going to to do it, was I going to do "IT" and then dump the boy? (no, I don't think that's very responsible!) which led on to her suggesting that I could foster her if I wanted, as her younger sister was too annoying.

I struggle sometimes when the Brownies ask me personal question like that, not because I feel they shouldn't but because I am not sure how to respond, how honest to be. Given that I cannot answer "well, I would like to meet a nice man, get married and have two children (girl and a boy)", doesn't mean I should necessarily tell them about the myriad possibilities I am considering, from adoption right through to radical co-parenting (currently being trialled on my two cats and me plus two housemates)... so I try and answer honestly, without over-sharing, and be a good alternative role model without giving information that is inappropriate either for their age, or the relationship I have with them.
But it's certainly making me think, and realise that it's no longer enough to say "yes I would like to have children" as the lifestyle I am currently living is making it very unlikely that it's going to happen without a great deal of forward-planning/coercion/sacrifice.


  1. Maybe one day you will look back and say "no, the best thing that happened on the 15th was realizing that I had to make changes in order to have my dream of children, and not put making those changes off" That realization might be your gift! :)

  2. I think you'd make a great mum, but I never knew you wanted to be one before. x Ian

  3. Aww you guys :)

    It's one thing deciding that I want children, it's the how and when that are making me wonder. The fact that I have started thinking about the how and when is both cheering and a bit scary. There isn't all the time in the world, but hopefully there is enough for me to do the things I want to do.

    (Good to see you by the way Ian, didn't know you read this!)